Noahs Nuclear Niche Read online

  ***

  Let the play begin: (The mummers march on banging drums and saucepan lids)

  Mummers: Sherwood Forest is our setting

  And there is no land left for sub letting

  Sir Guy: I've taken the land from the poor,

  And now I'm after a little bit more.

  Mummers: So noble Robin takes from the rich and gives to the…

  Robin: Not so rich.

  Sir Guy: I think that you are mudding my pitch.

  Mummers: We hope our play of old England brings a smile

  For we have been rehearsing for a while.

  Robin: On come I the brave Robin Hood

  In this world I represent all that is good.

  I am big strong and tall

  Quite the bravest of them all

  But I must not make a sound

  Sir Guy of Gisborne and his men are around.

  The Maid Marion is the object of my quest

  And I don't say this in jest

  She said she loved me through and through

  And to me would always be true.

  I remind her of buttercups blooming in spring

  To her I sing like a chorus of angels ring a ding ding.

  Her skin is as soft as silk

  Her complexion as white as milk

  She loves me she says and then disappears

  And leaves me standing here in tears.

  She loves me, she loves me not

  She does, she does not

  She comes, she goes

  I wish that I didn't have such great big toes.

  Marion: On come I the beautiful Maid Marion

  A life of debauchery I can no longer carry on

  Fair Robin I have decided on you to give my troth

  But that involves Sir Guy of Gisborne's Roth.

  Robin: Marry me?

  Marion: Yes today.

  Robin: Today?

  Marion: Oh tomorrow.

  Robin: Tomorrow?

  Marion: Next week.

  Robin: Next week?

  Marion: Next month.

  Robin: Next month?

  Marion: Next year.

  Robin: Next year?

  Marion: Oh in a few years.

  Robin: In a few years!

  Marion: Oh sometime. Don't press me don't get pushy.

  Robin: That's just not good enough, I need certainty. I need to know where I am in a relationship, I want to know where I stand. Do you know that you have never kissed me! I think you are taking me for granted, you are just using me for your pleasure. Well I have had just about enough and I want a final decision one way or the other.

  Marion: You are so manly Robin.

  Robin: Well my dander is up.

  Marion: I like it when your dander's up.

  Robin: Dander up or dander down what's your decision?

  Marion: Oh Robin. We could get engaged and have lots of presents and then there are rings, a friendship ring to start with and then an engagement ring and a wedding ring and I want them all, expensive with lots of diamonds and pearls, rubies and sapphires and things then I could have a shower party and more presents and of course there will be lots of wedding presents I do so love lots of presents. Oh Robin! (they embrace)

  Robin: Oh Marion.

  Marion: We could get finance and buy a little, square, redbrick, three bedroom, one kitchen, toilet, bathroom, ¬lounge room, wall to wall ceiling house. In a little while we could have a little (pause) car for me and a big one for you and all the usual electrically uselessly useless gadgets. We could have two and a bit children and matching dogs, and they could have little red and white kennels with matching dog bowls. Oh Robin.

  (embrace)

  Robin: Oh Marion and matching dog bowls yes, yes, yes, Oh rapture, rapture, rapture and matching dog bowls.

  Robin: (to the audience) I was clowning one day in the forest and I pushed her right into the river. She got soaked and covered in mud, she had bruises all over her arms and legs and she hurt her back. I helped her out of the river and we fell in love.

  Marion: Yes, he pushed me into the river, I got bruises all over my arms and legs and I hurt my back. I almost drowned and we fell in love.

  Robin: I go now to fetch Friar Tuck the good

  To marry us in the wood.

  (Robin exits, enters Sir Guy of Gisborne)

  Marion: (hysterical) Sir Guy of Gisborne, help Robin.

  Sir Guy: (dancing, sings)

  I'm a gnu, how do you do?

  It's so very very gnice to be a gnu.

  I'm a gnu, spelt g n u

  I bet you're glad that I'm a gnice gnu.

  I'm a gnu, (aside) not the sort of gnu you see in the zoo

  I'm a totally gnu sort of gnice gnu.

  I'm a gnu, I'll say it right through

  And it's very very gnice to be a gnu.

  Marion: (hysterical) Sir Guy of Gisborne!

  Sir Guy: (changes character) I'm the G-Guy of G-Gisborne na ah ah.

  You are at my mercy Marion dear

  But you have nothing from me to fear

  I have a little proposition for your delectation

  Marry me or your land and wealth will suffer depreciation.

  Marion: Never!

  Sir Guy: Never say never.

  Marion: Never ever.

  Sir Guy: I will cut off your hand with a Swiss army knife

  And the blood will all spurt, the end of your life.

  Marion: Dogs meat.

  Sir Guy: Lovely creature.

  Marion: Pig poo.

  Sir Guy: Loveliness itself.

  Marion: I will never be overcome.

  Sir Guy: I will force you, ah ha. (he grabs Marion and throws her over his shoulder and runs about the stage, Robin with a drawn sword is in hot pursuit)

  Robin: On come I the brave Robin Hood

  In this world I represent all that is good.

  Marion: You have made that speech already.

  Robin: Oh right. You fiend Sir Guy of Gisborne, I challenge thee to fight like a man.

  Sir Guy: Drat that pesky Robin Hood

  I'd bash him one on his head if I could.

  Marion: Put me down.

  Robin: Yes put her down, hiding behind a defenceless woman's dress. (Marion is still held over Sir Guys shoulder but she faces Robin and lays into him trying to get hold of him to scratch out his eyes)

  Marion: I'll give you defenceless! I can take care of myself.

  Sir Guy: Yes but it is a man's duty to protect the weaker sex.

  Marion: I'll give you weaker sex when I get hold of you.

  Robin: Our first tiff my little dove.

  Marion: Little bloody dove I'll scratch your bloody eyes out. (to sir guy) Now put me down or I'll kick you in the goolies. (Sir Guy puts her down)

  Marion: That's better, now you two can fight over me.

  Robin: You sir are a foul fiend.

  Sir Guy: Same to you with nobs on I'm sure.

  Robin: You have got my dander up.

  Sir Guy: Marion is mine by right, I'm taking her.

  Robin: She's mine as I love her best.

  Sir Guy: Oh my Gawd you are a right old pest.

  Robin: The only thing we can do is fight.

  Sir Guy: The civilised way is a show of might.

  Robin: Draw your sword and fight like a ruffian you gmuffian.

  Sir Guy: I will stand my ground.

  Marion: (getting excited) Kill him, kill him, cut off his head and make him bleed.

  Robin: Nothing can stop me killing this wretched foe. This devil this baby bashing fiend, this foul, licentious, fault ridden monster. He must not be per-mitted to exploit the weak and the helpless. He must not be permitted to push around defenceless women and young children.

  Sir Guy: (character change) I'm a gnu, how do you do?

  Marion: Oh Robin don't hurt him he is just a helpless idiot.

  Robin: I must. Sir Guy has had his last straw, now the haystack is bare, I have the needle, (waves
sword) so fight you fiend.

  (battle commences, with gnu fighting like a chimpanzee and Robin like a ballerina)

  Robin: Take that, you fiend. (lunges)

  Sir Guy: I'm a gnu. (blocks)

  Robin: Murderer! (lunges)

  Sir Guy: How do you do? (blocks)

  Robin: You woeful foe. (lunges)

  Sir Guy: (blocks) I'm a gnu.

  Robin: You scourgeable scoundrel, grave-robber, gallows ¬meat, corruptor of youth, assassin, thief, convict, cheat, pimp. (stabs gnu)

  Sir Guy: I have been mortally wounded in the heart

  And from this world I shall depart

  No longer shall I live and fart.

  Marion: He is dying.

  Robin: Yes he is dying.

  Marion: Unless you save his life, this dear, dumb, stupid idiotic Gnu of Gisborne, I shall not marry you, Robin.

  Robin: (gets down on his knees) Oh Marion, don't carry on.

  Marion: My word is my oath, my oath is my promise, my promise is my word, my word is my oath, my oath is my promise…

  Robin: Doctor, doctor, doctor, someone's sabotaged my wedding. I mean someone's scratched, clawed and hacked, lacerated, cut and ruptured, spoilt and mischiefed this poor, dumb, stupid gnu. Is there a doctor in the house?

  Doctor: On come I the noble Doctor

  I just arrived in my helicopter

  The itch the stitch the palsy and the gout

  All pains within all pains without

  If someone's in I'll fetch him out.

  Old Tom Bottle's wife you knew her well

  She came under an unholy spell

  She contracted rheumatics in all four elbows

  But I cured her with a puff of air from my bellows

  She didn't wait to hear of her recovery

  But died of something undiscovery.

  Bring me a woman seven years dead

  Eight years buried, totally unfed

  Unable to save after nine years in the grave

  I'll give her a bill and she won't lie still.

  Robin: You have a cure that from the grave can lure?

  Marion: You can save this cretin, this stupid imbecile?

  Doctor: Rue, rue, visible rue, hens, pens, turkeys in treacle

  The yolk of an egg, an old-fashioned peg

  The brains of a little red beetle

  And the cross from a gothic steeple

  The head of a louse

  An undersized mouse

  And a diddledrum, diddledrum inside out

  Is a first rate cure I've no doubt.

  Robin: But what does it do to this man I have slew?

  Marion: (Marion and Robin argue) We don't want diddledrums, diddledrums inside out. I'm afraid Robin the wedding is off. I can't marry someone who slaughters cretins, you moron murderer.

  Robin: Oh Marion this doctor brave will Sir Guy save. Doctor tell her of thy cure.

  Doctor: It gives a coward a heart if he is willing

  That makes him stand without fear of killing.

  Any man that's got a small mouse

  That scurries around in his fine house

  I'll give it a dose and make it a mose.

  Ribs, legs, arms all broken I'm sure

  My medicine can quite easily cure

  More than this I ,the inventor maintain

  If you break your neck it will fix it again

  And again and again it will fix any pain.

  Now I've something in a bottle

  On my inside, outside, right side, left side

  Waistcoat pocket this side

  With this I once cured a disease

  Twenty yards long if you please

  And if there's a man who dares claim more

  Let him walk in and read out his score.

  Friar Tuck: (enters) In come I the holy Friar Tuck

  For lunch I think I'll order Beijing duck.

  Doctor: And what say you who come in on cue?

  Friar Tuck: In come I the man who ain't been yit

  With my big head and little wit. (vaguely points to his abdomen)

  My head's so big and my wit's so small

  I don't know how I can please you all.

  Robin: The Gnu is dying. He will trip over the pail and kick the bucket. He will become deceased and my marriage will die if you don't stop arguing.

  Marion: Robin do something. Call an ambulance or our engagement is off, it is obvious to me that your behaviour is not that of a responsible member of the community.

  Doctor: (to Friar Tuck) What canst cure?

  Friar Tuck: I can cure a magpie with the stitch.

  Doctor: And how dost that?

  Friar Tuck: Cut off its head and throw it in a ditch.

  Doctor: Is that all canst cure?

  Friar Tuck: No that's not all canst cure. I can cure a horse with the gout.

  Doctor: And how does that?

  Friar Tuck: Cut off its head and kick it about.

  Robin: They're having an academic argument and my marriage is dying. It's shedding its earthly trappings. My wedding day is mortally wounded.

  Marion: Nothing will save our marriage soon.

  (Doctor and Friar Tuck go on with their discussion, ignoring everyone)

  Doctor: Where didst thou learn thy cures?

  Friar Tuck: I travelled for them.

  Doctor: Where didst thou travel?

  Friar Tuck: I travelled down Plum Pudding Highway over Beef Steak Crossing to Cornflakes Cathedral and there I met the Archbishop of Breakfast.

  Doctor: Is that all thou see?

  Marion: I see a dead Gnu.

  Robin: I see a broken engagement.

  Friar Tuck: Nose that's not all I see. I went a bit further and met an old duck. I says 'Good day ma'am but the saucy old goose wouldn't speak sos I kicked up me boot and gave her a gentle nudge and kicked her ninety miles through the eye of a needle. She landed in Sewing Basket Farm where it's impossible to find a hay in a needle stack.

  Doctor: What else didst thou see?

  Friar Tuck: I see two dead men fighting, two blind men seeing fair play, two men without arms picked them up and carried them away and two dumb men yelled hurray hurray.

  Robin: Someone quickly save my marriage!

  Doctor: Anything is possible for a small consideration.

  Robin: Anything but this commiseration.

  Doctor: Here Gnu take one of my knick-knacks

  Swallow down one of my tic tacs

  Arise, arise and we'll sing a merry song.

  (hands Sir Guy a giant pill)

  Sir Guy: (rises) That feels better.

  Robin: My future's all set.

  Marion: So what's this crap you were giving me earlier about weak defenceless women?

  Robin: Weak and defenceless I do not think

  Oh my God I can smell a great big stink.

  Marion: It is true that your cruel deed has been reversed but I don't see, I can't understand, don't really comprehend why I should enter into a state of conjugal bliss and nuptial bonds with a homicidal maniac.

  Robin: I was just doing the manly thing.

  Marion: I don't think I am prepared to be lead to the alter and sacrificed for better or for worse. Now that I have got to know you better I'm not so sure that I like you.

  Robin: Oh Marion tell me you don't mean it. I've reformed I've got a job and I'm going to get a pay rise plus I get bonuses. I've got life assurance and a part time job to make a little extra on the side, plus I get a healthy interest on my bank deposits and I have a share portfolio. I'm a mass of taxable assets. Think of all that money that you could spend on useless things, think of all that impulse buying, think of the huge credit card debt you could accumulate.

  Marion: Because you saved the Gnu I've changed my mind. I'm yours.

  Friar Tuck: Now that this has been settled for better and for worse, for good and for bad, for short and for tall, for fat and for thin, for here and for there, for now and for then, for never and for always, (Robin an
d Marion come together) I can pronounce you man and wife.

  Marion: What's this man and wife? Wife and man!

  Friar Tuck: I pronounce thee wife and man.

  Marion: Oh Robin!

  Robin: Oh Marion.

  Doctor: The cure was my idea

  And it will be quite dear

  The gnu is no longer a ghost

  My bill will be in the post.

  Sir Guy: I'm a gnu gwop per woo.

  Mummers: In the forest lives the Gnu.

  Sir Guy: I'm the Gnu.

  Mummers: He's the gnu

  And brave Robin Hood did all that he could

  And he could when he would

  And he would when he could

  Try hard to woo the noble

  Which isn't the same as mobile

  Maid of all trades and carrions

  Maid Marions.

  Robin and Marion: So now we're together.

  Mummers: Yes now they're together, together forever

  More ever they're together, together together

  More ever, more ever, forever forever

  Right now and how.

  ***

  Back to Contents

  First Class to Mandalay

  A Mummers Style Comedy

  First performed August 1976 in the Little Theatre University of Adelaide and directed by me!

  Cast:

  Old Slobber Chops: Susan Tonkin.

  Prince of Paradise: Roger Wetmuff.

  Beelzebub: Neil Piggot.

  Slasher: Elizabeth Osman.

  Wicked Witch: Evatt Chris.

  Setting: A bus stop.