Death in the Australian Outback Read online

  ***

  Two: Onions Always Make Me Cry

  It was the evening of the day that we had cracked the case of the murder of Rory the Red and we were celebrating. We were sitting in an Italian Restaurant in the main street of Alice, drinking beer and eating pizza. Bigfoot received a telephone call, it was from his immediate superior. They spoke for a while, hung up and then Bigfoot turned to me.

  I knew something was coming, some request for assistance, but I wasn't interested, if I was so valuable they could damn well give me the job!.

  'How about standing in for the fella, give you a bit of experience?'

  'Which fella?'

  'The one that's got the job.'

  'No way,' I said.

  'Ah West.'

  'It is not going to happen.'

  'Ah West.'

  'You can go to the ends of the world tracking down murderers but you can do it without me,' I said.

  I had my pride.

  Bigfoot looked at me with big cow like eyes but he didn't fool me, I knew I was being used.

  'We are to be stationed in Sydney for a couple of months, it's a national crime clamp down, we have to round up terrorists, drug smugglers, money launderers, native animal smugglers, illegal immigrants, tax evaders, jay walkers, people watering their gardens when they shouldn't, the lot. We are going to have a busy time, we need you West.'

  'Nope,' I said.

  Bigfoot had a jug of beer on the table, he stood up and skulled the lot, it was truly an amazing feat, then he ordered a second jug of the old familiar juice and knocked that back as well. He wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt.

  'I needed that,' he said.

  'This wine has a distinctive lavender and burnt leather bouquet with a spritzy mouth feel,' said Littlefoot as he swished a local wine around inside his mouth, swallowed and smiled, his teeth were stained a horrible red.

  'You see the shit I have to work with,' said Bigfoot waving a hand in Littlefoot's general direction, he then grabbed Littlefoot's wine bottle and downed the contents.

  'That was my wine, chicken liver licker,' said Littlefoot.

  'Frog face fancier,' said Bigfoot.

  'Fruit cake fingerer.'

  'Doggy doodle dangler,'

  By now the two of them were standing up and pushing and shoving each other, they were well and truly under the influence.

  'Don't push me skunk head sucker.'

  'I'll push you if I want, toilet water drinker. He dresses in women's clothes, did you know that West?'

  'Don't bring me into this,' I said.

  'I do not.'

  'He once went out with a transvestite,' said Bigfoot pointing a finger at Littlefoot.

  'I did not.'

  'She was tall and blonde with great big… feet and hairy legs and her name was Bryan.'

  'It was Bryana and her legs were not hairy and her feet were delicate.'

  'She was taller than you.'

  'She was not,' said Littlefoot.

  They now started swinging punches at each other. At this point several waiters arrived and started making a fuss, Bigfoot and Littlefoot stopped fighting and they fell into each other's arms.

  'I love you Littlefoot,' said Bigfoot giving Littlefoot a kiss on the ear.

  'I love you too Bigfoot.'

  'I love you like a brother Littlefoot.'

  'I love you like a sister Bigfoot.'

  'I love you like a…'

  'That's enough loving,' I said.

  'Let's go back to the hotel and have a beer,' said Bigfoot.

  'Good idea, we can crack open a big red.'

  'By the way,' said Bigfoot, 'where is our hotel?'

  'I don't know. Here hotel, here hotel, where are you hotel come here?' said Littlefoot as he crawled about the restaurant looking under tables for the hotel.

  'Have you seen my hotel?' said Bigfoot to the waiter, 'I had it a couple of hours ago but I seem to have misplaced it.'

  'What's it called?' said the waiter.

  'I don't know, what's it called Littlefoot?'

  'I don't know but I think it's got the word hotel in there somewhere.'

  'Can you describe it?' said the waiter.

  'Yes we can describe it,' said Littlefoot. 'It's got lots of rooms…'

  '…with beds…'

  '…and a little man sits out the front…'

  '…behind a desk…

  '…and there's a lift…'

  '…and the rooms are all numbered…'

  'Have you got your room key, that will probably have the name of the hotel on it?' I said.

  'Knock knock,' said Bigfoot.

  'Not again,' I said.

  'Knock knock,' said Bigfoot.

  'Who's there?' said Littlefoot.

  'Mikie.'

  'Mikie who?'

  'Mikie won't open the door.'

  'Look I have to deliver this pizza,' said the waiter.

  'Oh I don't mind if I do,' said Bigfoot.

  He grabbed a large lump of the pizza, folded it in half and squeezed it into his mouth.

  'Th…an…k…y…oo,' he said as he masticated his pizza.

  'I'll get you to your hotel,' I said.

  'Thank you West, you're beautiful.'

  I gave the waiter twenty dollars for the pizza and Bigfoot rolled, well nearly rolled, down the main street of Alice as I directed them to their hotel. Littlefoot skipped along at his side but then he fell over, I tried to pick him up and Bigfoot came over to help and fell over me. A policeman on his beat came by and moved us on, luckily I was not in uniform. I got them to their hotel, then the problem was to get them to their rooms. They found the gym and Bigfoot stumbled into a rowing machine and started rowing and singing Row row row your boat gently down the stream, Littlefoot tried running on a treadmill but as it was going at full speed he fell off. Bigfoot then moved on to lifting incredibly heavy weights, or that was the impression he gave, however the bar had no weights on it. I dragged them both out of the gym and Bigfoot took his shoes off, he'd seen the pool and he dived in. Littlefoot wasn't far behind. Once in they couldn't get out as they had jumped in the deep end, they were splashing about and looked as if they might sink, I wondered if it wouldn't be more merciful to leave them to drown. Against my better judgement, I passed them one of those rod and net things used to clean pools and they grabbed it and I hauled them out.

  'Thank you West you are a true gentleman,' said Bigfoot in a drunken slur. 'You saved my life.'

  He then tried to kiss me so I pushed him back in to the pool.

  I found their rooms and Bigfoot tried to open the door, he failed dismally.

  'Knock knock.'

  'Not again,' I said.

  'Knock knock,' said Bigfoot.

  'Who's there?' I said.

  'Mikie.'

  'Mikie who?'

  'Mikie won't open the door.'

  'I think that's at least the third time you have cracked that particular joke,' I said.

  I couldn't stand much more of this so I got hold of the key, opened the door and pushed Bigfoot in and onto a bed, then I went back outside, found Littlefoot and pushed him into his room and found a bed for him.

  'You two disgust me,' I said standing in the corridor. 'I am truly glad that I am not going to work with you. You are a pair of inept, male chauvinist, drunken, depraved, disorganised, disagreeable…'

  'We love you too West,' said Bigfoot. 'Come here and give me a kiss.'

  I walked over to Bigfoot, picked up a jug of flowers, took out the flowers and threw the water over him. He looked up at me and smiled.

  'I bet you enjoyed that,' he said.

  'As a matter of fact I did.'

  It was something disgusting like five o'clock in the morning when my phone went off.

  'Yes?'

  'West?'

  'You.'

  'Yes.'

  I hung up.

  The phone rang again.

  'Yes?'

  'West.'

  'Get lost.'
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  I hung up.

  The phone rang.

  I picked it up.

  'Let's get it over with, what do you want?' I said.

  'Knock knock.'

  'Look I am going to hang up.'

  'No West don't do that, don't.'

  'What is it then?'

  'They found a body, sort of.'

  'Who found a body?'

  'The local boys.'

  'So?'

  'Don't be like that West.'

  'Like what?'

  'Look we need you, your well your… you. You have your own approach, we have been placed in charge of this job, I am ordering you to come along.'

  'You are not my boss.'

  'Ah West.'

  'No.'

  'Look, if I ask you nicely and say please.'

  'No.'

  'Pretty please.'

  'No.'

  'Pretty please with sugar on it.'

  'No!'

  The body, or lack of body, was found, well actually it wasn't found, in a fairly ordinary house in Widgeridoodlewongawongaway, a tourist town noted for a collection of rocks that stick out of the ground and look like giant marbles, it is situated to the south of Widgerywongadongawinga, near Alice Springs in Central Australia. A woman had been missing for a week, blood had been found on the carpet in her bedroom, her car had been found in the McDonald Ranges a few kilometres away, burnt out, her handbag had been found in a street bin in Alice Springs with purse, driver's licence, credit cards, Medicare card all left untouched and even a pair of her shoes had been found beside the road near the burnt out car, but no body was found. We had a murder weapon found in the scrub, it was a hunting knife, it had the missing woman's blood on it, this was established through DNA analysis. We also had three suspects, a lover, an ex-husband and a son. Her sister had reported her as missing. So what was our job? Bigfoot's gut, or at least his gut feeling, had established a bit of a reputation nationally and the local boys wanted Bigfoot to interview the suspects and Bigfoot felt that I could help with his gut feeling. I was not very pleased to be told to help with Bigfoot's gut feeling and I told him exactly where I stood on that matter.

  'No, no way, not ever, no, I will not get involved in this investigation full stop.'

  The first suspect was led into the room by Littlefoot, he was a tall, soft looking boy. Bigfoot had planned a three pronged attack with me asking intelligent questions, Bigfoot coming the heavy and Littlefoot bringing up the rear with the nice guy act. This was Bigfoot's general strategy and he said it worked well. I wasn't so sure

  'I am Constable West of the Northern Territory Police,' I said, 'this is Detective Chief Superintendent Bigfoot and Detective Superintendent Chief Littlefoot, our interview here today is being recorded, you are allowed a solicitor but at this stage that is not necessary as we are only establishing the facts, no one has been charged with anything, is that all clear?'

  The soft looking boy looked up at me and waved his head meaning yes I presumed. He wore a very nice Ralph Lauren polo shirt, linen slacks and what looked like a very expensive pair of shoes, his hair was short and blonde, his eyes were blue and he had an intensely moody expression on his face.

  'I would like to ask you about your movements last Saturday,' I said.

  He didn't look up.

  'Did you see your mother?'

  Silence.

  'Did you meet up with any friends?'

  Silence.

  'What did you do all day, go out, stay at home, watch television, surf the net, text anybody, play with your phone, download music, play a computer game?'

  Silence once again.

  We were getting nowhere fast I began to doubt my ability. I was not having a good hair day.

  Bigfoot stood up in quite a menacing sort of towering way.

  'You think you're very smart sonny but I tell you that you're not. You are shit, do you hear me? If you don't co-operate, I am personally going to take you down to the local effluence ponds and push your head so far into the shit that you will have to breathe through your backside,' said Bigfoot into the boy's face.

  The boy jumped up and started hitting Bigfoot on the chest as hard as he could, Bigfoot let him and when the boy had worked off some anger Bigfoot guided him back into his chair.

  'I didn't do anything, I was studying and then I went to the footy.'

  'Do you live with your mother or your father?' I said.

  'Mum.'

  'Do you get along well with your mother?'

  Silence.

  'Do you get along well with your father?'

  Silence.

  'Did you know your mother had a lover?'

  Silence.

  'Listen laddie,' said Littlefoot, 'we want to help you. Bigfoot thinks you did it, he wants to throw the book at you, I think that you are innocent but if you don't help me I can't help you.'

  Silence.

  'I'm on your side. I want to help you.'

  Silence.

  'I have a son just like you, same age, we get on well, download music together, surf the net.'

  Silence.

  'Listen punk,' said Bigfoot. 'Your life is finished, I am going to throw the book at you. You were seen near the burnt out car, your fingerprints are on your mother's shoes and handbag, you are a cold sadistic murderer and I just wish that we could bring back capital punishment, I'd like to see you hang by the neck until dead.'

  'I rang my Aunty Shirley and told her Mum was missing and she called the police. I was in the house on Saturday studying, I want to be an accountant like Dad. I didn't kill her.'

  'Remand him in custody for now Littlefoot, he may be telling the truth but if we can't find anybody else to pin this murder on…what's your name?'

  'Thomas.'

  'If we can't find anyone else to blame we will blame you Thomas, do you hear me, loud and clear young Thomas?'

  'I didn't do anything.'

  'You're it you hear me, you're the person we are going to throw the book at, so think very carefully, I want either a full confession or some help here and if you don't help or confess I'm gonna make up a confession for you to sign and if you won't sign it I will beat you black and blue till you do.'

  'The wonders of modern police techniques,' I said.

  'Shut up West,' said Bigfoot.

  'Don't tell me to shut up,' I said when Littlefoot had escorted the boy from the room.

  'Sorry West,' said Bigfoot, 'don't take it personally.'

  We sat around for a while not knowing what to say, we were having a post interrogation conference. It was hot, we drank cold water, Bigfoot complained, he said that he would prefer a cold beer. Someone brought us a small fan and turned it on. On the wall was a painting of a kangaroo and a gum tree, a gecko climbed up onto one of the desks. Bigfoot took a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the perspiration off his forehead.

  'I'm stumped, I'm sure the boy knows something.'

  'I think it's the lover,' said Littlefoot.

  'Well that means the lover is innocent,' said Bigfoot.

  'How can you say that?' said Littlefoot.

  'Well, I open my mouth and words come out.'

  'Isn't there a saying about empty vessels making the most noise?'

  'And there's one about a squeaking hinge gets greased, if you don't watch out I'll grease you,' said Bigfoot.

  'Can we get on with the interviews?' I said.

  'Bring in the next victim,' said Bigfoot.

  Littlefoot went out and came back with a very well dressed young man, he wore those stylish winkle picker shoes, a casual shirt that seemed to hang from his shoulders with utter style, a pair of beautifully cut slacks, his hair was well groomed and on his fingers were one or two gold rings. I think he may have had some European blood in his ancestry, not that I wish to imply any value judgement of any sort whatsoever.

  'Your name?' I said.

  'Lothario,' said the man.

  'I have to warn you that anything you say will be taken down and can be used�
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  'Don't worry about that shit West,' said Bigfoot.

  'It's my duty.'

  'Duty suty luty cuty. Let's get on, we know he did it.'

  'May I just say here…' said Lothario.

  'You can say nothing unless I ask you,' said Bigfoot.

  'Well…' said Lothario.

  'Shut up.'

  'Sir!' I said.

  'You can shut up too.'

  'I will not.'

  'Chill out West.'

  'Don't tell me to shut up.'

  'I say, I say, I say, my wife's gone to Italy,' said Bigfoot.

  'Genoa?' said Littlefoot.

  'I should think so, we have been married twenty years.'

  'I do not understand what this has to do with me,' said Lothario.

  'Just breaking the ice,' said Bigfoot. 'You know the missing woman, Honeysuckle?'

  'Yes.'

  'You were on intimate terms?'

  'Yes Honeysuckle and I are… we are intimate as you say.'

  'You were having a bloody good time,' said Bigfoot.

  'Yes.'

  'How did you meet?'

  'I met her in a bar at the casino.'

  'You hang about there and prey on women?'

  'Yes I go there and meet lonely women.'

  'You pick them up?'

  'I meet women and bring happiness to their lives.'

  'Only the rich ones?'

  'I find them more interesting.'

  'And you and Honeysuckle were having a gay old time.'

  'We enjoy each other's company.'

  'And there are others?'

  'I do not restrict myself to one woman.'

  All men were as bad as each.

  'A girl named Nerine,' said Bigfoot.

  'She is a waitress at the casino,' said Lothario.

  'She is hardly seventeen.'

  'She is of age.'

  'You only went with Honeysuckle for her money?'

  'I like Honeysuckle, yes she has money, she is fun as well.'

  'You don't get on with her son though?'

  'Her son is very serious, he does not bother me and I do not bother him.'

  'And when the money runs out you planned to throw Honeysuckle on the scrap heap?'

  'When the money runs out I would have to reconsider my relationship with Honeysuckle. What I do is not illegal, I'm good looking, I dress well, I take care of myself, I work out at the gym, I stay slim and I practise saying interesting things, entertaining women is my way of making a living.'

  'A gigolo?'

  'You can call me a gigolo if you wish, there are worse jobs. I like women and women like me, why should I not make money from my looks and my charming personality.'

  'And now Honeysuckle is missing presumed murdered!'

  'I may not be a saint but I am also not a murderer.'

  'I'm not so sure.'

  'I have nothing to gain from killing Honeysuckle, she is nice, she has plenty of money but she is leaving it all to her son in her will, there is nothing to gain for me in her death. She pays my rent, she pays the repayments on my sports car and all I have to do is escort her to restaurants and make love to her and I enjoy making love to her. Her death will be an inconvenience to me.'

  'You make me sick.'

  'That is not my problem.'

  'I'm going to keep you here all night and all tomorrow and all the next day until you start telling the truth.'

  'You can question me as much as you wish but I cannot tell you anymore than I know.'

  'When did you last see Honeysuckle?' I said.

  'Let me see, I last saw her a week ago, Friday night, she said that she was going to Adelaide for a week with her sister to shop and for me not to come around until the day after tomorrow. She gave me money to go out to eat and I said thank you and left, we are not married.'

  'Nerine is in on it with you.'

  'Nerine is a young and innocent girl.'

  'You both planned to kill Honeysuckle and take her money,' said Bigfoot.

  'Nerine is not very rich, she is a working girl, but I like her. She is also a vegetarian and a Buddhist, I don't think she could kill a flea.'

  'Can you tell us your movements for this week?' I said.

  'Monday I was in bed with Nerine all day and in the evening Nerine went to work. I was at her flat and watched television until she came home about midnight. Tuesday, Nerine and I went out for lunch then we went to her place and made love then she went to work. Wednesday was much the same, I went to a hairdresser and picked up a suit from the dry cleaners. Thursday Nerine wanted to go for a walk in the McDonald Ranges so we went to Standley Chasm, very beautiful there, and had a picnic then we went back to her place and made love and she went to work. Friday Nerine had to work all day and late into the night, I went to the casino and met a small group of senior ladies…'

  'Widowers?'

  'That is right and I went back to the hotel of a senior female named Lady Wickson. We made love and I left at four in the morning and was home in time for Nerine, she arrives home at about five in the morning, on weekends. She works very late. Lady Wickson gave me five hundred dollars, I told her that I had a speeding fine that I could not pay, I will be meeting Lady Wickson at the casino later today, she is to buy me dinner.'

  'You're making all this up?' said Bigfoot.

  'You can check it all out, as I said, I have no reason to kill Honeysuckle, I do not get involved with my clients.'

  'You wanted to get rid of Honeysuckle and set up with Nerine, it's only natural, I'd do the same,' said Littlefoot.

  'No, Nerine and I have been building up a nest egg in the bank and we aim one day to retire and buy a nice house and grow tomatoes, that's my dream, but I do not need to murder anybody to get it.'

  'You can go,' said Bigfoot. 'Don't leave the state and leave your address with the man at the reception desk.'

  'I am happy to have been of assistance,' said Lothario and he strutted out.

  Bigfoot and Littlefoot looked at each other and grimaced.

  'He sickens me,' said Bigfoot.

  'He just uses women,' said Littlefoot.

  'All he thinks about is his dick.'

  'I don't know how women can go for a man like that.'

  'Women are so shallow if they can't see through him.'

  'They must all be sex mad.'

  'Depraved.'

  'When there are genuine…'

  '…nice…'

  '…new age guys...'

  '…with personality...'

  '…looks...'

  '…charm...'

  '…sophistication…'

  '…like me and you Littlefoot.'

  'You men,' I said, 'you all think you are Casanova.'

  'I'm not bad looking,' said Bigfoot.

  'What about my physique?' said Littlefoot striking up a pose.

  'You both look about as appetising as a pig's dinner. The average woman, and I can say this as I am one, would prefer a bucket of pig swill to either of you.'

  'West you hurt my feelings.'

  'It's about time somebody did, you are delusional,' I said.

  'But I'm okay West?' said Littlefoot.

  'You know that he goes around winking at girls,' said Bigfoot.

  'I do not.'

  'He's an old winker from way back.'

  'Shut up,'

  'He got a girl once, she was ninety two.'

  'What are you talking about?'

  'That old bird.'

  'She was three years older than me.'

  'And the rest.'

  'I'll fight you.'

  'Come on then, tiny tot.'

  'Lard head.'

  'Little tiny toy.'

  'Bugger you,' said Littlefoot.

  He started punching Bigfoot in the chest, Bigfoot picked him up by the collar and then grabbed his legs and held him upside down.

  'I'll kill you, I'll kill you with my bare hands, I'll murder you, I'll eat you alive,' shouted an upside down Littlefoot.

&
nbsp; I'd had enough, I went to the cafeteria and ordered a herbal tea.

  It was late afternoon now and really quite hot, the fan was going full force, the building was air conditioned but that had broken down. I fanned myself with an official report, Bigfoot wiped his handkerchief over his forehead and Littlefoot was in the process of telling us that if you are fit and slim the heat doesn't affect you, when his eyes started to goggle and he fell over, we sat him down and Bigfoot threw a cup of water over his face.

  'What was that?' said Littlefoot.

  'Bring in the third suspect,' said Bigfoot.

  Littlefoot led in a dwarf, well a very short man, dressed as Crocodile Dundee, a real outback rough tough Australian. Bigfoot turned to Littlefoot.

  'He's the one,' said Bigfoot.

  Littlefoot turned to me.

  'He's the one,' he said.

  Although I don't like to jump to conclusions, I did feel that here in Honeysuckle's husband, we had a definite contender for her murderer.

  'Your name?' I said.

  'Attila Caesar Siegfried Napoleon van Boot.'

  'You are the ex-husband of Honeysuckle van Boot?'

  'That is correct.'

  'Your movements this week?'

  'Mostly I was at work.'

  'You work at?'

  'I'm a financial consultant, I work with all the high flyers.'

  'Are you self-employed or…'

  'I work for the Central Bank of the Northern Territory, in the head office here in Alice. I have a large office and a big desk.'

  'I bet you have,' said Bigfoot. 'Did you hear the one about the office manager, his secretary said to him - Do you use a dictaphone, and he said - No I use my…'

  'Where were you last weekend Mr van Boot?' I said cutting in on Bigfoot.

  'I took my son to watch the footy, Port Adelaide were playing, that was Saturday, afterwards we went for a hamburger then I dropped him home. Sunday I took out a woman, her name is Sesame, we met online dating but we didn't hit it off. She thought I was younger, taller and better looking, and I thought…well I'll say no more about what I thought, we won't be seeing each other again.'

  'How was your relationship with your ex-wife?'

  'At first I was very very angry, I threatened to kill her, I threatened to beat her up, I threatened all sorts but then I realised it did me no good to be angry, I needed to move on, I needed to get a life.'

  'Sesame is a very handy alibi,' said Bigfoot.

  'Yes true, but the truth is always a good alibi.'

  'I put it to you that you were still very angry with your wife and that you murdered her out of jealousy.'

  'That's not true, the last time I saw my wife I told her that I was sorry it hadn't worked out. I told her I was sorry for the things I had said. I told her that I was sorry for being angry. Now I am just glad that I was able to say those things to her. I still love her, I'll always love her,' said Attila and he began to cry, I found him some paper handkerchiefs.

  'She made you angry, I can understand that,' said Littlefoot. 'You didn't mean to kill her.'

  'I would never hurt her,' said Attila.

  I didn't know whether to believe him or not. When a man speaks with conviction I have a tendency to believe what he's saying but the truth is, with most men, half the time they are lying and for the other half they are making it up.

  We were back in the main drag in Alice Springs, Bigfoot was eating a small pizza and drinking low alcohol beer, he was on a diet.

  'I'm stumped,' said Bigfoot.

  He then ordered another small pizza and two more low alcohol beers, he was still on a diet, but he was a bit peckish.

  'The boy is a bit of a mystery,' I said.

  'The boy probably killed her out of jealousy, I read about it,' said Littlefoot. 'The Oedipus complex, Freud talks about it in his book The Ego and the Id and…'

  'Enough highfalutin nonsense,' said Bigfoot, 'you never read a book.'

  'I read books all the time.'

  'Playboy.'

  'Can we get back to the subject,' I said.

  'Did you hear something Littlefoot?'

  'No did you hear something Bigfoot?'

  'We have a job to do,' I said.

  'What did you say Littlefoot?'

  'I didn't say anything Bigfoot.'

  'I don't believe it was the boy, his mother was a meal ticket, why mess your own nest?' said Bigfoot.

  'But Freud wrote that…'

  'Lothario, now he's exactly the same, why would he want to kill a meal ticket?'

  'I'm not so sure, Freud has a section on…'

  'I don't like him much, his brains are in his prick.'

  'Like most men,' I said.

  'Now West please there are ladies present.'

  'I am that lady.'

  'You and Littlefoot.'

  'Watch it,' said Littlefoot. 'Freud has something to say about you as well…'

  'Yes true, I have a big Id,'

  'It doesn't mean that.'

  'The ladies have always loved my big Id.'

  'Freud would have a field day, now it says here…'

  'Oh look Littlefoot's reading a book and it's not playboy,' said Bigfoot grabbing the book.

  'Can I have my book back please!'

  'And it's not Bambi.'

  'I'll kill you.'

  'I'm scared Littleone.'

  'Outside mate!'

  'You two!' I said.

  Just as the confrontation was starting to heat up the extra pizza arrived, Bigfoot took one of the beers off the tray and skulled it.

  'Two more beers please and can I get some bread?'

  'Bigfoot's pregnant,' said Littlefoot, 'he's eating for two.'

  'I think he must be having sextuplets,' I said, 'and eating for six.'

  'Got to keep my strength up,' said Bigfoot.

  'So Lothario is ruled out?' I said.

  'He just uses women,' said Bigfoot.

  'He doesn't have any personality he just lives for sex,' said Littlefoot.

  'He thinks of women in terms of what he wants.'

  'His brains are in a bulge in his pants.'

  'He makes me sick.'

  'You are both jealous,' I said.

  'No way.'

  'That's not true West.'

  'Then there is the ex-husband,' I said, 'in my opinion it could have easily been the ex-husband. He is short and in my experience short men are always jealous.'

  'I'm not jealous,' said Littlefoot.

  'There are always exceptions to the rule,' I said.

  'So you think it was the green eyed monster West?'

  'Yes,' I said. 'He had plenty of opportunity, he was seen around the house on the weekend when Honeysuckle went missing.'

  'He picked up his son and took him to the footy for Christ's sake,' said Bigfoot.

  'And for a burger, that's innocent enough,' said Littlefoot.

  'He could easily have fitted in a clandestine murder and it is a fact that most murders are committed by a member of the family or a supposed close friend. I think we need to raid his flat and track down this woman he is supposed to have dated. I think we need to take his DNA, fingerprints, thoroughly check his car for traces of blood, check his flat for the same and check the neighbours in his street, we can't just let him get away with it.'

  'You're right West, quite right, and we will do all that but I think the boy knows something that he's not telling us. What do you say to doing everything you said and then questioning the boy again. We'll wait until you have gathered all your evidence together on the father. I'm glad we have got you on the team West, at least temporarily, a new fresh approach, an open and critical mind, an analytical mind, I wish I could welcome you aboard permanently.'

  'I'm just happy to be able to contribute,' I lied

  We pulled the ex-husband in and gave him a full going over, Bigfoot didn't pull any punches but the ex-husband gave nothing away. Then we went over his flat, his car and questioned all his neighbours and came up with ex
actly nothing, we drew a blank. So we brought in the boy again. Bigfoot came up with another plan, it was the same old plan, I would be the thorough detective, Littlefoot would be the nice guy and Bigfoot would be a bully and we would give the boy a going over. He would crack, crack open so hard that he would think we had dropped a nuclear bomb on his head, Bigfoot's words, not mine.

  The boy came in and as before he sat down and said nothing,

  'We are sorry to have to bring you in again,' I said.

  Silence.

  'We just need to clarify a few points.'

  Silence.

  'When you went to the footy with your dad, did he go off and leave you for any time at all, no matter how short?'

  Nothing.

  'We really need to put together a picture of what happened that weekend when you went to the footy.'

  'Do you normally see your dad on weekends?' said Littlefoot. 'I see my son on weekends.'

  Just for the record Littlefoot doesn't have a son.

  Silence.

  Bigfoot grabbed the boy by the scruff of his neck and hurled him up out of the chair.

  'Listen punk, open up and start talking or I will twist your head off and shove it up your backside!'

  'He went for a pee and yes I do see him on weekends but you should be talking to Aunty Shirley, Mum's sister. Mum had a yellow Argyle diamond ring, Dad bought it for her as an engagement ring, Aunty Shirley wants it to remember Mum by, Aunty Shirley said that Mum wasn't wearing it the Saturday they went out for coffee.'

  'Thanks son you can go home now,' said Bigfoot. 'Littlefoot, West, bring her in,' he said.

  'Her?'

  'Aunty Shirley, she has been looking us in the face for a week and we have completely ignored her. Call ourselves detectives!'

  'I knew all along that there was something strange about Aunty Shirley,' said Littlefoot.

  We were across the Todd River in Alice Springs, we had gone to an Italian vegetarian restaurant as a treat for me and also as a thank you, as it was my last day as a stand in TURD. We sat out Al Fresco and drank fresh fruit juice drinks, I ordered raw food salad and a raw food vegetarian burger, Littlefoot ordered tofu on a bed of cuscus and even Bigfoot joined in and ordered a three onion pizza.

  'It goes against my better judgment but there is no proper shit on the menu,' he said.

  It had been a hectic two weeks and in a way I had proven myself but Bigfoot and Littlefoot would be joined by the Minister's nephew who had been given the job that I had been doing. We were all a bit sad, Littlefoot grabbed me and gave me a hug and I looked at Bigfoot and he had tears in his eyes.

  'Onions always make me cry,' he said.

  As we were chatting Attila, Honeysuckle's ex, walked into the restaurant, he was arm in arm with his son, Thomas, they were laughing and joking. They didn't notice us, they didn't notice anybody, they sat down at a table near ours and they both looked supremely happy. They started talking and they talked as if they owned the world, then suddenly Lothario entered the restaurant, he saw Attila and Thomas, turned around and left but not before they had seen him, Attila ran to the door and called out:

  'You will get yours too!'

  'West we may have some work for you,' said Bigfoot.

  'You can sort this one out,' I said.

  Attila and Thomas said something to each other and then Attila turned around and saw the three of us sitting there, his face had an angry menacing glare.

  Uluru is the biggest rock in the world, I decided to drive there and book in at the best hotel for two nights. The room was lovely, it was at ground level and sunk back into a low hill, the front was all glass overlooking a lawn and a swimming pool. I intended buying myself a fancy three course dinner, all in the name of lifting my spirits, I hadn't got the job with TURDS but I was going to enjoy myself. I went out to the famous rock, at sunset, to photograph it on my mobile phone, it turned a beautiful red, it was stunning. The place was crawling with German tourists getting photographs with lavish equipment, I felt a bit of an amateur photographer. I wandered off into the bush to get away from the noise, a flock of budgerigars flashed by and they looked wonderful.

  'Hello,' said a smooth and charming voice that I remembered from somewhere.

  'Oh you!'

  'I saw you enter the bush.'

  'Yes, I wanted to get away from the tourists.'

  'And then you didn't come back.'

  'I'm having a bad hair day.'

  'Your hair looks very nice.'

  'I'm sure you say that to all the ladies.'

  'I do and sometimes I mean it.'

  'And this time?'

  'You look very lovely.'

  'Thank you, but flattery will get you nowhere.'

  'You should be a model not a policewoman.'

  'I like my job.'

  'And I am thinking that you are very good at it.'

  'I like to think so.'

  'Shall we go back?'

  'There's no point in being nice to me, I haven't got any money,' I said.

  'You do not need money, you are just beautiful to look at.'

  'As I said flattery…'

  'I want to buy you dinner.'

  'I don't have money.'

  'You said that.'

  'Shouldn't you be spending your time chatting up a rich American widow?'

  'I think time spent in your company is time rewarded.'

  'What about Nerine?'

  'She is working.'

  'You never let a chance slip.'

  'I would be honoured if you would have dinner with me.'

  'You're a crook.'

  'I am not a crook, call me a gigolo if you must, but it is not illegal.'

  'No.'

  'Tonight I am off duty,' said Lothario, 'as are you, I will devote myself to your pleasure, if you will permit, and first it is dinner at the best restaurant. You will do me the honour of accepting please?'

  'Why not?'

  'Exactly, why not?'

  So Lothario and I had dinner. Why not? He was paying and he was charming. He had lovely deep brown eyes, he was hunky, in a slim athletic way, he had dark curly hair and looked like a cross between an Arab and a southern Italian. He looked as if God had gathered the best of the looks from both cultures and assembled them in one man. For dinner I had an entree of asparagus, lightly grilled, on a bed of cuscus and covered with melted Camembert, my main course was a vegetarian soufflé filled with sweet corn, soft cheese and leeks, it was beautiful, and for dessert I had taramasalata. Lothario had caviar, Beijing duck and for dessert, affogato, an ice creamy thing with coffee and alcohol, it looked delicious and he fed it to me spoonful by spoonful, we both enjoyed it thoroughly. Lothario ordered French champagne, I think it was Kruge, it came in a tight leather package, it looked like something a prostitute might order, but it tasted really rather nice. He was going to order coffee but I said:

  'I don't want you to get any ideas but I can make coffee in my room. I have a proper percolator and they supply very good coffee and even some high class bickies.'

  'I would never get ideas with you. Your name is Elizabeth is it not?'

  'Yes.'

  'May I call you Elizabeth?'

  'Everyone calls me West.'

  'Elizabeth is such a lovely name, I would prefer to call you Elizabeth, if you would permit me?'

  'Of course.'

  'Yes Elizabeth, I would love to have coffee in your room and do not worry, when you say the word I will leave, I am not a…well I was going to say I am not a gigolo but I am, in your case however I am simply an admirer, an admirer of a beautiful woman.'

  'Thank you.'

  He was a sleazebag but every now and again the company of sleazebag can be good for a girl.

  Lothario brewed the coffee, brewing coffee is not my forte, and then he found the expensive biscuits, they were melt in your mouth and heavenly, he even found some lovely high class chocolate things.

  'You brew a mean coffee,' I said.

  'All the ladies comp
liment me on my technique with the coffee beans.'

  'I'm sure they do compliment your technique.'

  'I pride myself…'

  'I'm sure that you do.'

  'You make innuendo, no?'

  'Don't you get sick of your life?'

  'For me it is a job, a job I enjoy, but one day I had planned to retire with Nerine and grow tomatoes.'

  'You say, had planned?'

  'Yes that is true.'

  'What changed?'

  'I met you.'

  'Don't start giving me the come on.'

  'No, not at all dear lady, it is just that, have you ever seen a beautiful sunset?'

  'Yes.'

  'It can be so beautiful that it extinguishes all that went before it.'

  'So what are you saying?'

  'I do not wish to be forward but…'

  'But?'

  'You are like a revelation to me, I can say that I have never met a woman like you.'

  'You must have been practising for years.'

  'What do you mean?'

  'You have got the patter down so well.'

  'You do me an injustice.'

  'You are a typical Italian lover from a comic opera.'

  'I…you insult me…I apologise for being…I was trying to be nice. I was saying what I felt, I was talking from the heart. You are a beautiful woman Elizabeth and you think that I want to stay the night and make love with you, that is not so. All I want to do is sit with you, share a nice dinner with you, talk with you and have coffee, I like to share food with a beautiful woman, that is civilisation, I am a civilised man. Yes I like to make love this is true but with you just sitting is enough.'

  I moved closer to Lothario, he took me in his arms and kissed me gently, softly, sensuously, Tina Turner was singing in the background - I'm Your Private Dancer, I pulled myself together and pulled away from him, I didn't want to get carried away.

  Lothario and I went for a walk in the moonlight, then he escorted me to my room and then I got rid of him, had a shower and turned on the television, I had selected a Miss Marple detective movie, I planned to stay up late watching movies. Lothario was very sweet and I was feeling quite lonely and disappointed but I didn't want to be taken for a sucker. We had arranged to eat breakfast together and to watch the sun rise over the rock early the next morning.

  There was a fuss outside my room, I opened the door to investigate and a man and a woman were standing there. The man was dressed in a cream sports jacket with giant checks, he wore a blue imitation silk shirt and a cream bow tie with big round brown dots, on his head was a trilby and on his arm was a woman and what a woman, she was a giant of a woman, she had a mass of curly hair, thick red lipstick and big droopy earrings. She wore a glistening long silvery dress and silver shoes.

  'Hi,' said the man.

  I took a closer look at him.

  'What on earth are you doing here Littlefoot?' I said.

  'West!' I heard Bigfoot whisper. 'West!'

  'Where are you Bigfoot?' I said.

  'West!'

  'I don't see you.' I said.

  I looked around and then did a double take at Littlefoot's lady friend.

  'Bigfoot?'

  'Yes it's me.'

  'What are you doing?'

  'Listen…'

  'The pair of you look like a couple of deros on the make.'

  'Yes listen…'

  'I hate to think where you have got your gun stashed.'

  'West listen…'

  'Don't get your knickers in a knot.'

  'Will you please listen!'

  'I can't take you seriously.'

  'West!'

  'You'll have all the boys after you.'

  'He has reached his potential,' said Littlefoot, 'as a woman he has had more offers from men than he ever had from women when he was a man, he's thinking of having a sex change.'

  'Quiet Littleprick. I'm the first girl you've gone out with in years.'

  'Rubbish what about that blonde?'

  'She was about as feminine as I am.'

  'She was a nice girl.'

  'If anyone blinks at you Littleman, girl, boy or undefined four legged creature, you think you are in there with a chance.'

  'I'll fight you.'

  'Gentlemen do not fight ladies!' said Bigfoot.

  'You are no lady.'

  'Oh Littlebit you have blighted my reputation.'

  'Well I hope you are both having a good time,' I said.

  'I've already had three offers,' said Bigfoot.

  'One from a dero, one from a dag and one from a ninety year old blind man,' said Littlefoot. 'The ninety year old blind man was a millionaire. He checked Bigfoot out by brail.'

  'But what's with the fancy dress?' I said.

  'It's Attila van Boot.'

  'You didn't let him get away?'

  'No!'

  'What then?'

  'Well, he got away.'

  'We think he's skedaddled but we can't be sure, so we are working undercover here at Uluru. Hence the disguise, pretty good eh?'

  'Only if you want people to notice you,' I said.

  'The son's gone as well, we think Attila may have grabbed him.'

  'And Lothario has evaporated,' said Littlefoot.

  'Oh he's not a problem, he's here in the hotel,' I said. 'I've been keeping an eye on him.'

  'Now West,' said Bigfoot, 'I don't want you playing fast and loose with these Italian men.'

  'You would prefer me to be playing fast and loose with the local brew whose idea of haute cuisine is a meat pie and whose idea of a good time is half an hour in the back seat of a car.'

  'West, I didn't mean that, as I told you in the interview, in TURDS we are protective of our own.'

  'I hate to spoil the illusion but you told me yourself that I am not good enough to be a TURD.'

  'Look West…'

  'Interview over sweetie,' I said.

  I tickled Bigfoot under the chin, turned tail, went back into my room and slammed the door.

  I was woken up at about five thirty in the morning, there was a lot of noise outside my room. To my horror I noticed that I had fallen asleep in my clothes, I rubbed my eyes and walked over to the door and opened it, I was still half asleep. A strong, muscled arm reached in, grabbed my arm so hard that it hurt and then pulled me out of the room.

  'Bigfoot get a life,' I said.

  I fell down and hit my head. I tried to stand up but someone grabbed my legs, I kicked out at him instinctively and smashed my upturned right hand into his jaw then someone grabbed my hands, it was Attila van Boot. Attila held my arms behind my back and Thomas quickly taped my mouth, it tasted horrible. Then they taped my legs together and my hands, I was in the poo good and proper but all I could think was - I haven't had a chance to brush my hair. I was dragged out to the street where I saw a group of Japanese tourists boarding a four wheel drive tourist bus, Attila was dragging me onto the bus but the driver tried to stop him so Attila pulled out a gun and shot the driver, the Japanese tourists ran in all directions. Thomas was manhandling a second person and dragging him onto the bus and I saw that it was Lothario, he was also bound and gagged.

  'Two birds with one stone,' said Attila. 'I am going to teach you, I am going to teach you good.'

  He hit Lothario on the head with a handgun he was holding. Silly as it seems I was still thinking - if only I could brush my hair.

  'How ya doin?' a familiar voice rang out.

  Attila grabbed his hunting knife and thrust it under my throat. I caught a glimpse of Bigfoot standing at the door of the bus, he was unarmed and wearing a Hawaiian shirt, the colour was just a bit too garish. He attempted to board the bus, he had a broad smirk across his face.

  'Get back,' shouted Attila.

  'Lovely day.'

  'I'll cut her throat.'

  'Going for a drive?'

  'I'll kill her.'

  'Nice day for a drive.'

  'I'll kill him too,' said Attila pointing at Lothario.r />
  'Be nice, a picnic in the bush.'

  'The only picnic we will be having is with these two.'

  'Can I come along, I feel like a day out? I've been working hard lately, never get five minutes to myself, the stress, the strain, you know how it is. I thought if I came along we could have some laughs, chill out a bit, relax and just enjoy the moment,' said Bigfoot.

  'I'll shoot you.'

  'I don't mean to be a party pooper but you can't shoot me and cut the girl's throat at the same time so let's compromise, you just shot your driver that's a problem for you, I can drive this big old bus so I'll come along for the drive.'

  'Get out of here.'

  'Well it's like this,' said Bigfoot, 'the Territorial Police have the place surrounded, they've got sharp shooters everywhere and they are keen to get some practise in and there are Aboriginal trackers just waiting around the corner, so if you run into the bush they will get you, your only way out of here is if I drive.'

  'Dad we need a driver.'

  'No way.'

  'Why did you shoot the driver Dad?'

  'Don't start on me.'

  'That was stupid.'

  'Don't question me,' said Attila, 'I can still give you a thrashing as big as you are.'

  'We have to get out of here Dad, can you drive this thing?'

  'Okay you,' he said to Bigfoot, 'on the bus and get in the driver's seat, any funny business, any funny business at all, and this little lady hasn't got a throat anymore, you hear me?'

  'Roger over and out,' said Bigfoot.

  He climbed on board the bus, started the engine and then Attila started hitting Lothario over and over again, Bigfoot turned off the bus's engine.

  'Now you can cut that out,' said Bigfoot.

  Attila moved up to where Bigfoot sat and hit him across the face. Bigfoot didn't move.

  'If you are going to beat Lothario to a pulp I am not driving.'

  'Then I'll kill you.'

  'I'll take my chances.'

  'I'll kill the girl.'

  'Shoot her then, see what happens, as soon as you fire one shot you will be shot so full of holes that you wouldn't be any good as a kitchen colander.'

  'Please stop hitting him Dad,' said Thomas.

  Attila walked away.

  'Oh West I've got some good news,' said Bigfoot. 'There has been a bit of controversy in Canberra, questions asked about a certain Minister's nephew, he's not getting the job anymore, you have been appointed as the new TURD. Is that good news or what?'

  'Shut up and drive.'

  'We can have a drink later to celebrate, I wanted you to be the first to know, I haven't even told Littlefoot yet, this is a happy day what?'

  Attila moved over to Bigfoot and hit him.

  'Start the bus,' he said.

  'I'm counting every time you do that, I plan to pay you back later,' said Bigfoot.

  'Start the bus.'

  'Where are we going?'

  'Adelaide.'

  'That's a day and a half down the road.'

  'Start the bus or I start shooting.'

  'Don't get your knickers in a knot mate, chill out, we are going to have some laughs.'

  'Start the bus or heads will roll.'

  'Alright already I'm starting the bus.'

  The bus roared in to life. Bigfoot drove us all out of the resort, passed Uluru, the giant rock, and passed a mob of kangaroos. We were on the thirty or so kilometre trek to the road junction that would take us to Adelaide several hundred kilometres away. I was sitting up in a chair with Attila behind me holding a knife to my throat, in spite of the knife, I shuffled around to get more comfortable.

  There was a bit of a mountain on the right hand side and lots of sand dunes with that central Australian lovely red sand, even the trees, the Dessert Oaks, were looking quite lovely. I was determined to keep my head, I wasn't going to let Attila get away, I had been promoted, I was now a Sergeant with the TURDS, I was over the moon to be a TURD. Now I could buy a flat and a small car but the first thing I would do was buy new shoes. I spent most of the drive to the road junction, the intersection of the road to Uluru and the Stuart Highway, thinking about what shoes I would buy. Bigfoot was getting bored and wanted to put on some music but the only thing he could find to listen to was Bye Bye Baby by the Bay City Rollers which quickly lost its appeal.

  Attila sat next to me and leered, I hate men who leer.

  'I'm going to kill you,' Attila kept saying to me, 'I'm going to kill you and then I am going to beat this bastard to death.'

  He referred here to Lothario.

  'I say, I say, I say,' said Bigfoot, 'my dog's got no nose.'

  'Shut up!' screamed Attila.

  'How does it smell you may ask?'

  'I'll kill you,' said Attila.

  'It smells awful,' said Bigfoot.

  'Let's just take off into the bush Dad, you're a bush man, you know how to find water,' said Thomas.

  'Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?' said Bigfoot as the bus sped along, 'so she wouldn't wake the sleeping tablets.'

  Attila walked down to the front of the bus and hit Bigfoot on the back of the head.

  'If you don't shut up, I will shoot the girl.'

  'What do you call a child born to an English man and a German woman?'

  Attila came over to me and held his gun to my head.

  'I'll shoot!' he shouted.

  'Pom Fritz,' said Bigfoot.

  Thomas laughed. Attila squeezed the trigger of his gun, it went off next to my ear, the bullet went through the floor. I couldn't have screamed if I had wanted to, my mouth was taped. Bigfoot drove on.

  Straight ahead was a road block. Two police cars were parked across the road at right angles to the flow of traffic and in front of them was Littlefoot waving his gun in the air. Attila raced down to Bigfoot and held a gun to his head.

  'Don't stop, keep going, just drive straight through, don't stop or I will shoot you and Thomas will shoot the girl, just crash through do you hear? Stop and you are all dead and we will take out a few cops.'

  The road block was only metres away, Littlefoot was waving his gun in the air and then he jumped aside.

  'Don't stop!' Attila screamed at Bigfoot.

  The bus collided with the road block, the two police cars spun to the side and the bus ploughed on unharmed. I breathed a sigh of relief. I had a plan, it was a very silly plan but it was a plan. Bigfoot could crash the bus and Attila would be thrown forward, hit his head and become unconscious and if I could free myself I could handle Thomas. It was a silly plan but it gave me something to think about. Bigfoot called out from down the front.

  'Okay West, roger over and out!'

  What was he talking about, maybe he was telepathic or something.

  'Dad there's three police cars tailing us, I've been watching them and they're getting closer,' said Thomas.

  'Hope they get very close, we will give them something to remember,' said Attila.

  He moved down to the back of the bus and rummaged about in a big holdall. First he pulled out a handgun which he threw at Thomas.

  'If he moves shoot him,' he said pointing to Lothario.

  'I can't Dad!'

  'Just do it.'

  Then he pulled out a rocket launcher.

  'You have got a big one there,' said Bigfoot.

  'Big enough.'

  'Apparently your wife didn't think so.'

  'Shut up.'

  'Thought you were not up to scratch where it counts.'

  'Shut up I tell you.'

  'Your member was never big enough to form a parliament.'

  'Shut up or I will shut you up.'

  'Not even big enough to be a member of the opposition.'

  'Thomas,' said Attila, 'when I say, kill the girl. Shoot her dead.'

  Thomas looked horrified.

  'Thomas is a nice big lad isn't he? I wonder who his father is. It certainly isn't a little squirt like you,' said Bigfoot.

  'She was a whore
but I showed her and I'll show you,' said Attila.

  He came over to me, put his gun on the seat opposite and tore off the tape around my mouth, God that was painful but not nearly as painful as having a gun fired next to my ear, my head was still ringing with the sound of it.

  'Give me a kiss sweetheart?' said Attila grabbing hold of me.

  I spat in his face. Retribution was quick and not too pleasant, his hand slapped across my face.

  'Now!' yelled Bigfoot.

  The bus swerved to one side and crashed forward like a racehorse at full gallop colliding with a cyclone fence. Bigfoot jammed on the breaks, I was thrown forward and I saw Attila thrown along the aisle to the front of the bus.

  'Tom shoot the driver,' he yelled.

  It was now or never I knew that much, I had to do something or die. I looked for Attila's gun but couldn't see it but I could see a look of panic in Thomas's eyes as he held up his own gun and levelled it at Bigfoot. I threw myself at Thomas and bit his hand, Bigfoot had Attila flattened and was hitting him, it was payback time. Thomas pushed me to one side and again aimed at Bigfoot, then there was a shot. Thomas fell to the deck clutching his arm and groaning, Lothario had got hold of Attila's gun and shot Thomas. Bigfoot released Attila and came back to help us, Attila jumped up, dived through the shattered windscreen and started to run off into the bush. Littlefoot was there, he aimed his gun at Attila and fired. Attila fell to the ground and then Littlefoot shouted:

  'Stop or I'll shoot.'